We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
