my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
