That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Randomize
