I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
