Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
