I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
