He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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