I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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