I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
