uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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