I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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