We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
