Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
