Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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