My underwear smells like fireworks.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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