Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
