Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
