Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Quick, to the slutcave!
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
