my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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