i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
