it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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