i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize