this beer tastes like vomit already
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Im part way to drunk.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
