You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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