It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
