Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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