The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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