you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
