you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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