Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
