Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
