I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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