i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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