Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
