True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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