the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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