Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
