The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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