I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
