I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize