Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
