We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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