Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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