I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
