i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He passed out mid-signature
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
