My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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