I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
