I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
