Three words: puerto rican gang bang
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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