OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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