while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
