I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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