I cockslap morals
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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