Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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