The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
