I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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