Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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