I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
